Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
