Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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