I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
