Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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