Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
