4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
