I wish I could punch you in the face.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
