I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
