I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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