im six kinds of drunk right now
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
