I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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