you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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