totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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