i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
