I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.