i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...