He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
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I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
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sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.