True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
