The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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