If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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