It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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