You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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