Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
