they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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