lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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