I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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