worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
