I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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