At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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