I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
