Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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