Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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