My first STD was from a foam party
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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