I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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