I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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