Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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