seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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