My underwear smells like fireworks.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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