he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
