Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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