I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
