Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
