thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Someone signed my nipple.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
