I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I wanna passion pit in your ass
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
