Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
