Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
