Taylor Swift is so right about you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
