i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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