3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
