There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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