Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
