just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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