a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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