i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
