i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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