Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
