My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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