I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
