Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
